Science Fiction Blog

From the Straight Dope Message Board – If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?. See Lord of The Rings in the styles of Ernest Hemingway, Tom Clancy, E E ‘Doc’ Smith, James Joyce, Ian Fleming and more!

For example, Jack Vance

The party emerged from Mordor, each looking thoughtful. Aragorn spoke first.

‘It is needless to say that we all regret the loss of Gandalf. He was truly a person of eminence and grace’.

‘Yet’, interrupted Legolas, ‘The cynical and suspicious might find your heartfelt grief at his untimely demise perhaps lacking a touch of sincerity, given that his death at this time perforce elects you to leader of our little group’

‘ The implication in your words, Legolas, I find disturbing in the extreme’, answered Aragorn.

‘As do I, although the implication in question is perhaps a different one’, said Boromir. ‘Why is Aragorn, as you say, ‘perforced elected’ to leadership? Surely this matter should be referred to a larger referendum than just yourself, Legolas, intelligent though you may be’

‘I used the specific appellation…’, began Legolas. Gimli interrupted.

‘Regardless, and I must say I find these small-minded squabbles of yours irksome and inappropriate, we are on the borders of Lothlorien, a realm whose inhabitants have certain unusual customs, which the unwary traveller often falls foul of. I suggest that our friend Frodo renders the Ring on to me until we are through Lothlorien and in a place of more condign safety, or perhaps an even greater period of time’.

Pippin frowned. ‘Your suggestion has merit, although I would deem it wiser that someone more suitable, for instance I, should have the laborious and dangerous duty of actually carrying the Ring…’

Or William F. McGonagall

Beautiful Stony Bridge of the Dwarven mines!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That two lives have been taken away
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.

‘Twas about seven o’clock at night,
And the Balrog it burn’t with all its might,
And the fire came pouring down,
And the dark orcs seem’d to frown,
And the Demon of the fire seem’d to say-
“I’ll pass across the Bridge today.”

When the party left Rivendell
The Fellowship’s hearts were light and they felt quite well,
But Boromir threw a terrific strop,
Which made their hearts for to stop,
And many of the Fellowship with fear did hum-
“I hope Elbereth Gilthoniel will send us safe across the Bridge of Khazad-dum.”

But when the hobbits were ready to feed their tum,
The Balrog he gathered his orcish scum,
And shook the whole structure of the Bridge of Khazad-dum
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.

So the Wizard mov’d slowly along the Bridge of Khazad-dum,
Until he was looking at the Balrog’s bum,
Then the whole bridge gave way with a hiss,
And down went Gandalf and Fiend into the abyss!
The Fiery Fiend did loudly quip,
Because he’d gotten Gandalf with his whip,
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe which could not have been worse
The alarm from mouth to mouth spread from river to firth,
And the cry rang out all o’er Middle Earth,
The Khazad-dum Bridge is blown down – O Elbereth!
And in the Fellowship from Rivendell,
Of which all the people were scared as h*ll,
Because they all heard Gandalf’s yell
“Fly, you fools!” Well, none had breath to to tell
How the disaster happen’d on the last last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.

What is it about the success of the second “Lord of the Rings” film (which I sadly have yet to see) that brings out the worst snobbish attitudes of the self-appointed “cultural elite”?

The stupid rant in The Times by an ivory-towered academic is a typical exampled, perfectly summed up by Andrea Harris:

Average price of ticket to see The Two Towers in the theater: US$7.50. Box office earnings of said film over its five-day debut: $75.1 million. Expression on the face of a postmodern academic who realizes that none of the theories of Deconstruction that he devoted his life to have made any impression on society: priceless.

Personally I loved it when a bookshop poll a few years back nominated Lord of the Rings as the greatest novel of all time, and seeing the critics like the odious Tony Parsons aghast.

Of course, The Onion has it’s own take. (Link from Dave)

Eric Olsen of blogcritics is asking for top ten lists. I’ve already done a top twenty albums and a top ten guitar solos, so let’s do something not music-related…

I’ve always been a fan of invented worlds – Here’s my top ten of those created by science-fiction and fantasy authors:

Middle-Earth, created by JRR Tolkein in the well-known trilogy which I don’t need to name since anyone that doesn’t know it won’t be reading this! There’s little I can add that hasn’t already been said by many others.

Yrth, created by Gene Wolfe in the tetrology “The Book of the New Sun”, a richly-detailed and evocatively-described decayed far-future version of Earth, so far in the future that our own history is just dimly-remembered myths and legends.

The Culture, created by Iain M Banks over the course of several novels. A vision of a really advanced civilisation, described as 8000 years ahead of own, a utopia where ‘no-one can dominate others through control of limited resources’, filled with 40-mile long spacecraft and artificial ‘orbitals’ giving almost unlimited amounts of living space.

Glorantha, created by Greg Stafford and others. I felt I had to include one gaming universe, this is that. Forget the formulaic cliched faux-medieval DnD worlds churned out by various d20 publishers and hack novelists, Glorantha, with it’s deep mythological background and richly detailed cultures is simply the best gaming fantasy world ever. Originally published as the world to go with the RuneQuest system, it’s now being republished with the new Hero Wars game, more suited for epic narratives.

Discworld, created by Terry Pratchett. He’s written more than twenty books in the Discworld comic fantasy series now, which are far better than the twenty-plusth book in a series has any right to be. The Disc itself has evolved from a simple parody of fantasy cliches into a richly detailed world which is more and more a reflection of our own world seen through a fantasy lens.

Helliconia, created by Brian Aldiss. The planet Helliconia lies in a system with two suns, and orbits the larger sun in a thousand-year elliptical orbit, giving alternating ice ages and ages when the equator burns. Civilisations rise and fall with the long season, with the two rival races, humanity and the chilly alien phagors alternating in dominance. I find the fauna of the world particularly fascinating, with some creatures hibernating for hundreds of years.

Dune, created by Frank Herbert. Herbert’s classic novel with it’s variable-quality sequels not only gives us the complex ecology and culture of the planet Dune itself, but also sets it against a backdrop of a quasi-medieval galactic empire with feuding guilds and religious sects.

The Many Coloured Land, created by Julian May. Strongly influenced by Celtic mythology, May’s Pleistocene Exiles saga is set a north-western Europe of six million years ago and tells of a world filled with struggles between aliens and time travellers from our own future, both exiles from their own civilisations.

Eden, created by Harry Harrison. What if the comet missed, and dinosaurs hadn’t died out? Here we have a world where an intelligent lizard species evolved, using fascinating bio-technology derived from centuries of genetic engineering. They’re seen from the viewpoint of their rivals, stone-age humanity.

Pavane, created by Keith Roberts. One of the classics of the alternate history genre, in which Elizabeth I of England was assassinated, the Spanish conquered England, the reformation failed, and the industrial revolution was stifled. We’re shown an alternate England of 1968, with communication by a nationwide network of semaphore towers, travel mostly by road steam engine since the internal combustion engine is outlawed by the Church.

(Also posted at Blogcritics, complete with Amazon links)

The introductory section of Peter Bradshaws Guardian review of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is so insulting it deserves fisking. This is my first attempt at this rhetorical form, so bear with me.

There’s no avoiding it any longer. It’s time to drop the needle on the second disc in the biggest double-gatefold concept album in history: the next instalment in the Lord of the Rings saga, entitled The Two Towers.

A gratuitous attack on prog-rock. Not a good start.

Warning! Film contains intense combat and fantasy horror scenes, long-haired men smoking unfeasibly long pipes, women with pointy ears, and lots and lots of interminable nerdish nonsense.

When The Fellowship of the Ring came out last year I gave grave and unrecallable offence to the Tolkie fanbase with disobliging remarks about how the whole middlebrow mythology was dull and overrated, and how this admittedly beautifully designed children’s movie was treated with baffling reverence by adults showing a misplaced, sentimental loyalty to their earlier, 12-year-old selves.

The standard response from a pretentious critic when presented with a work for which people like him are not the target market – attack the audience!

Like a couple of other writers on this paper, I was deluged with hate mail.

Which you deserved to writing drivel like your past review. You’ll get more, because you’re trolling for it.

Some seriously claimed that “Tolkie” was an offensive slur. Well, L Ron Hubbard’s writings became the basis of a bona fide religion, so perhaps JRR Tolkien’s will too, and this sort of raillery will indeed become incorrect.

In other words, if people insist on liking something you cannot appreciate, not only are they pathetic nerds and geeks, but they’re dangerous cultists too.

Are you aware that the Blair government has recently passed laws banning hate speech?

I have had late-night arguments with pro-Tolkien friends, triggered off by rashly calling their need to establish an emotional relationship to this intricate but sterile world a symptom of regressive disorder. Do grown-ups need to worry their heads about Frodo and Bilbo, I asked

What sort of psychological inferiority complex do you suffer from such that you can only gain a sense of self-worth by claiming anyone that doesn’t share your owne tastes in mentally ill?

at which point the Tolkies mounted a very effective counter-attack, assaulting the boring Prousties for banging on about the mythic backstories of Baron De Charlus and Robert Saint-Loup. Touché .

Serves you bloody well right. It’s a pity they weren’t using real swords.

From Michael Jennings blog, a lengthy story of how Peter Jackson’s epic adaptation of Lord of the Rings came about as a result of the fallout of the AOL/Time Warner merger. (Link from Samizdata.net)

I think The Wicker Man is a scary film, despite the total lack of blood and gore. I suggested the film in the comments section Dawn Olsen’s blog. Michele of a small victory doesn’t think so.

Please, for the love of Satan, someone explain to me the great cult status bestowed upon that movie. They sang songs about vegetation! Corn rigs and barley.

Aren’t those songs scary enough? Seriously, though, I found the growing creepyness of the film scary, and the ending profoundly shocking. And it had Christopher Lee as the villain!

I admit I’m not a big horror fan; maybe some people’s tastes are more jaded. Or perhaps it’s more scary if you’re religious?

What do you think?

By the way, don’t click on the first link if you haven’t seen it – it contains spoilers!

The Gline explains why he’s given up reading Science Fiction and Fantasy.

The short version is this: I stopped reading SF and fantasy when I realized the market had turned into a cesspool without a hint of real life or imagination, driven entirely by paper-thin profit margins and catering to easy, well-known product lines (or imitations thereof).

I don’t doubt that there are, right now, very good SF and fantasy books floating around out there. But I have become so poisoned by the bad stuff that it may take me a long time to get my taste back. Not only that, but something else happened that probably undermines everything I could do to bring the taste back: I grew up.

There’s no getting around the fact that SF and fantasy are designed to appeal to an adolescent cultural outlook. Not just adolescents, but a culture that revolves around appeasing an adolescent mindset. Many of the people I know who are my age have this kind of perpetually adolescent outlook — their life revolves around not what’s important or meaningful, but around what they can get and how they can get it. (I’m probably not much better, come to think of it, but it is something I have grown painfully aware of in past years.) And most of what they want is adolescent cultural products.

I think that’s a little over the top. Sure, there’s an awful lot of formulaic drivel out there, but there’s plenty of good stuff out there for those that are prepared to look. And there are people out there that write SF and Fantasy suitable for grown-ups.

All of this is probably just a very wordy way for me to voice a prejudice: SF and fantasy as we have come to know it lately are [expletive deleted – this is a family blog]. Plain and simple. Have you read any of the Wheel of Time books? They’re unspeakably bad — atrociously written, ploddingly paced, and populated with characters I wouldn’t want to waste ten minutes of my real life with. (That’s the Gene Siskel test: if we don’t want to spend lunch with these people, why the [another expletive] are we going to read 800 pages about them?) And yet the books sell like mad. Evidently my tastes are a lot finickier than most people’s, but I can only report back on what I know. Most of what I keep running into, or what gets recommended, is just nasty hackwork.

I managed to read about a hundred pages into The Wheel of Time before deciding I didn’t have the time to waste reading any more. People tell me the series does get better, but people also tell me the later books go off onto rambling interminable subplots, and Robert Jordan will never finish the story, because it’s his cash cow.

I gave up on “generic fantasy” several years ago; I read one or two a couple of years ago as part of the Book Club section of the Compuserve SF forum, one of which was the first volume of George R R Martin’s Fire and Ice saga. It reminded me of just why I’d given up on generic fantasy; what I was reading was an American daytime soap opera in fantasy trappings. The point at which it lost me was when I imagined a group of bickering kids as having American accents. Sadly I seemed alone in disliking the work, everyone else was praising it in gushing tones. The sysop in charge annoyed me particularly in claiming this formulaic potboiler was many times better than the previous book we’d discussed, Frank Herbert’s classic “Dune”, and questioning my judgement for daring to disagree with her.

I like the definition of fantasy from John Clute and John Grant’s Encyclopedia of Fantasy, which claims that the setting itself must be an actor in the story, and not just a static backdrop. By this definition, much “Generic Fantasy” as written by the likes of Robert Jordan and David Eddings isn’t really fantasy at all. I believe Generic Fantasy has now become an extremely conservative genre, almost as conservative as women’s romances, driven by archetypes derived from Tolkien and Gary Gygax.

Saying this, I realise I have read and enjoyed a lot of what should be classed as Fantasy in the past couple of years; Roger Zelazny’s “Chronicles of Amber“, Tim Powers’ “The Drawing of the Dark“, Neil Gaiman’s American Gods and the last couple of Terry Pratchett’s Diskworld books, as well as re-reading “Lord of the Rings“.

What I suspect is that most readers of Generic Fantasy (and the equivalent formulaic SF sub-genres) don’t want surprises; they’re not after sense of wonder, or metaphors for the real, mundane world. They’re after the comfortably familiar, those easily-recognised archetypes, the same basic story told over and over. Which is why I’m not one of them.

While on holiday I finally finished the reading “Return to the Whorl”, the final volume of Gene Wolfe’s “The Book of the Short Sun” science-fiction trilogy. A deep, complex and literary work, it’s one of those books I know I shall have to read a second (and possibly third) time to fully understand.

The “Short Sun” trilogy is a direct sequel to Wolfe’s earlier “Book of the Long Sun” tetralogy. The Book of the Long Sun is set in a vast generation starship, The Whorl, three hundred years into it’s vogage, and concerns the adventures of a novice priest, Silk. The story becomes more complex as Silk discovers more of the true nature of The Whorl, it’s ‘gods’, and his own destiny.

The the first volume of the Book of the Short Sun, “On Blue’s Waters” starts as the story of Horn, the supposed author of Book of the Long Sun, now living on the colony world of Blue. Civilisation on Blue is degenerating into anarchy, and what passes for the rulers of the city of New Viron see Silk as the only person that can save it from collapse. Horn’s mission to return to The Whorl to find Silk.

As expected in a Gene Wolfe novel, nothing is as simple as it seems, and it grows more complex and adds layers as the story progresses. In the first volume, we learn that the narrator is now ruler of another town on the colony world, Gaon, and the story of Horn’s journey towards The Whorl took place many years earlier, a device used in Wolfe’s earlier “Book of the New Sun”. But by the second volume, “In Greens Jungles”, the ‘present-day’ story of the ruler of Gaon takes over the bulk of the narrative. And the indentity of the narrator becomes more uncertain.

I won’t give away any more of the plot; you’ll have to read it yourself. I love the way Wolfe uses so many generic SF tropes, such as robots, psionics, virtual reality, space travel and blood-drinking alien shapeshifters, but in a totally original way. There is also a very strong moral and religious theme right through all his books.

It’s a pity Gene Wolfe is not better known; the Short Sun trilogy doesn’t even have a British publisher! Perhaps it’s the combination of his mannered, literary style that doesn’t appeal to many SF fans used to a more straightforward type of storytelling, and his use of so many SF tropes (with the assumption that the reader will recognise them) limits the accessiblity to a ‘literary’ audience.

Of course, there are a lot of web sites about his work. After a few web searches, I found Ultan’s Library – an e-journal for studies of the SF of Gene Wolfe, and The URTH mailing list: Discussion of the works of Gene Wolfe. I also found an essay by Gene Wolfe on Tolkein. Gene Wolfe strongly approves of Tolkein’s world view, perhaps not surprising in the light that Wolfe, like Tolkein, is a conservative Catholic.