You too can be editor of the Daily Express, that infamous tabloid now owned by an Irish porn baron which has ambitions to be a poor man’s version of The Daily Mail.
All you need is one six-sided die and the table below, and you will at once be generated headlines day after day that match the exacting standards set by the paper.
- Â Next week’s cold, wet or windy weather forecast described in apocalyptic terms.
- Spin minor fluctuations in the stock market as great or terrible news for millions of pensioners
- Announce a miracle cure for an ailment suffered by the elderly, while neglecting to mention the cure won’t be available until long after the paper’s current readership will have died of old age.
- Princess Diana conspiracy theory that sounds as though it’s based on something that a friend of a friend heard from some bloke down the pub.
- Reheat last week’s highly dubious Madeline McCann story in the microwave.
- And finally, a hysterical and completely made-up story about immigration, taking care to blame everything on the EU.
If you think I’m joking, just look at the actual Daily Express headlines for a few consecutive days and see for yourself.
The concept bears a certain resemblance to the early programs I remember someone writing so many decades ago they were on paper tape.
I remember similar things from about the same time, probably with the same paper tape readers.