The Oneties – Some Musical Predictions

The Guardian’s Luke Lewis has some predictions for the music scene over the next ten years. If those are his, these are mine.

2010

Peter Mandelson’s internet access is cut off under his own file-sharing law, but the record companies refuse to name the recordings he allegedly downloaded so as not to further embarrass him.

Alan McGee tips The Grants as the band to watch out for in 2011

2011

In environmentally conscious times, the genre known as “Landfill Indie” is renamed “Recycling Plant Indie”. But it’s still rubbish.

The NME’s circulation continues to fall, and it’s revealed that it sells fewer copies than the north-east rock and metal fanzine “Heavy“. People who ought to know better continue to take the NME seriously for reasons nobody can really understand.

2012

In a shock move, the Tory government privatises Radios 1,2 and 6, and sells them to Universal Records. Nobody is able to detect any changes to their programming.

Alan McGee tips The Grants as the band to watch out for in 2013

2013

Slough’s greatest metal band Sledgehammer announce they’re reforming, on the grounds that so many years have passed that everyone had forgotten how bad they were.  They’re still awful.

2014

Hundreds of living brains in jars are discovered in Bono’s mansion. He claims that they’re necessary to provide the neural processing power to run his ego after the latest upgrade.

Alan McGee tips The Grants as the band to watch out for in 2015.

2015

The surviving record companies convince lawmakers that having a tune stuck in your head constitutes copyright infringement, and demand the right to scan everyone’s brains for evidence. But their proposed “Three Strikes And Your Out” law mandating beheading is defeated in Parliament after people realise that hearing Rod Stewart’s “D’Ya Think I’m Sexy” might become fatal.

2016

Simon Cowell decides to follow Pete Waterman’s lead and introduce a range of model locomotive kits. But following the pattern of X-Factor he rejects all the accurate models at an early stage in favour of misshapen and strangely-proportioned ones, purely to make the flame wars on model railway forums far more interesting.

2017

The proposed tour by the supergroup comprising Mark E Smith, Yngwie Malmsteen and Noel Gallagher is cancelled after arguments during rehearsals require the intervention of UN peacekeepers.

Alan McGee tips The Grants as the band to watch out for in 2016.

2018

A survey reveals that thanks to downloading and the cutting out of middlemen, the number of working musicians now exceeds the total number of music fans. It is not revealed quite how many of them are solo bassists.

2019

Alan McGee tips The Grants as the band to watch out for in 2020.